關注社會:暴力性侵受害者的自述

As seven men are convicted of exploiting girls as young as 11 in a paedophile ring in Oxford, abuse survivor Allie Gledhill shares her own story and how she made the road to recovery.

當英國牛津的七名性侵犯罪嫌疑人被最終伏法後，艾麗格.赫爾作爲曾經的兒童性侵受害人向讀者講述了她的少年被暴力性侵的不幸遭遇以及她走出陰霾的心路歷程：

If you’d told me fifteen years ago that it was possible to recover from violent sexual abuse then I’d never have believed you. I would have spat at you that you didn’t understand what it was like to suffer such intense humiliation and pain at the hands of someone who, for whatever reason, holds absolute power over you. Intense Feelings of hurt, shame and anger would have erupted inside of me and I’d have dismissed you as being disgustingly ignorant for suggesting that such healing was even possible. How could it be possible to heal the scars from violent abuse?

如果25年前你對我講，我可以從被暴力性侵的陰霾中走出來，我是絕對不會相信的。我可能唾棄你，因爲你根本不理解我所遭受的屈辱和傷痛，這些都是沒有辦法忘卻的痛苦記憶。在我的心裏除了那揮之不去的痛楚就是不可遏制的憤恨，至於所謂的心理康復，我只會覺的永遠不能。我當時會想，人們是無知的，因爲他們沒有親身體會，所以不會真正瞭解受害者的內心的。

Many years and hours of counselling later, I love that I can say with conviction to other survivors of violent abuse that healing really is possible. I’m not saying that the road to healing is a short or easy one to travel down but I can say that it is a journey worth taking. You can experience the feelings of safety, love and freedom that you crave.

然而，在日復一日年復一年的心理康復治療以後，我會對其他被性侵的受害們者說：我們是可以心理康復的。雖然康復之路會是一條很長很艱辛的路，但是爲了我們內心渴望的安全、幸福和自由，這時一條值得堅持走的路。

When I was growing up I was desperate for a father’s love. I wanted to be loved the way that my girlfriends’ fathers loved them, with a strong, masculine protectiveness and admiration.

在我的青年時期，我十分渴望到父愛，我羨慕我的好朋友可以享受到無邊的父愛——是那樣強烈、陽剛，對自己的女兒視如珍寶。

My own father was absent, so when a distant Uncle entered my life and showered me with special attention I was drawn to him like a moth to flame. He became the father figure that I’d always wanted and he provided me with the fatherly love that I had always craved. I trusted him completely.

我從小就沒有父親，當我一個遠房的叔叔走進我的生活以後，他對我特別的的關愛讓我幸福極了，我覺得父親就應該是他。他給了我渴望以久的父愛，我是那麼依賴他，信任他。

When he started having sex with me I was hurt, confused and angry but he already had such a strong mental hold over me that I felt powerless to stop him. Back then I wasn’t aware that I was being abused. When I attempted to stop him my Uncle would explain that what was happening was my fault because I had flirted with him and I had been so attractive that he’d been unable to resist me. I believed him. I was confused because I was flattered that he found me attractive but, at the same time, I hated the consequences of his finding me attractive. Part of me hated my Uncle for what he was doing to me and the other part of me was desperate for his love and attention. Like most abuse survivors, I turned my feelings of hatred inward and began to despise myself for what was happening to me. Feelings of unworthiness and self-loathing sank in。

後來，他強迫我發生了性關係，我覺得很受傷，很迷惑也很憤怒。但他在精神上對我的控制是那麼的強大，我覺得很無力，不知道怎樣拒絕他。當時，我不知道這就是性侵犯。每次我試着告訴他不許再這樣對我，他都會說，這種事發生了是我的錯，因爲我勾引了他，讓他對我着迷。我當時很恨他覺得我很迷人，因爲我渴望的只是一份單純的父愛，然而，另一方面，我卻是那麼的絕望的希望他愛我，關注我。也許和很多性侵受害者一樣，我將對他的憤恨專向了自己，我開始鄙視我自己。我覺得自己很輕賤，我開始討厭自己。

My story is not unique in that the abuse from my Uncle quickly escalated and became increasingly violent. I was beaten, punched, strangled and belted. After all, violent sexual abuse is not about straight sexual intercourse. It is about abuse of power.

我的故事對於性侵受害者來講不是個特例，我叔叔對我的性侵迅速升級，發展成爲暴力性侵，我被毆打，挨拳頭、挨皮鞭甚至被掐脖子也成了家常便飯。暴利性侵不僅僅是非正常性關係，受害者還要遭受暴力的煎熬。

For me, and for numerous other survivors that I’ve had the joy of meeting and working with, the pain from the violence and sexual abuse was easier to overcome than the mental and emotional agony of being completely overpowered by another person. The memories of those years, when I had so little control over my own life, left me constantly fearful. The bruises and cuts healed on their own but the emotional wounds took much more effort to mend. I’m not saying that the signs of my past aren’t still there. I doubt that I will ever enjoy the company of controlling or overbearing people and having control over my personal space will always be extremely important to me. The difference is that I have learned to love these things about myself. I have learned to give myself the attention and love that I craved as a frightened fourteen-year-old girl.

對我和大多數的暴利性侵受害者而言，身體上的傷痛是很好治癒的，而心理的創傷卻很難癒合。過去那些痛苦的記憶常常浮現在眼前，想起以前那些沒有自我的痛苦歲月，我會被恐懼包圍。我不能說過去對我沒有影響，我不能和控制慾極強以及傲慢的不在乎我自我空間的人相處，有了以前的經歷，我的自我空間對我來說極其重要。不同的是，我學會了愛惜我自己，我學會用什麼樣的方式去滿足我一直以來苛求的關愛。

I'm grateful to have had gifted counsellors who helped me to conquer the panic attacks that I suffered with for years. Counselling helped me to rediscover a sense of dignity and self respect that I had forgotten that I’d ever had. I learned to take control of my life and I gradually became less reactive to triggers of sexual abuse, triggers that used to leave me breathless, impotent and shaking uncontrollably.

我很幸運遇到了一位很好的心理諮詢師，他讓我走出了多年的陰霾，重新找回了我忘卻已久的自尊。過去的陰影會讓我無法呼氣，讓我感到虛弱無力，渾身顫抖。現在，我學會了自己把握自己的人生，漸漸不再被過去被暴力性侵所帶來的傷害而影響情緒。

Fifteen years later, all that remains from the years of abuse that I suffered is an intense desire to help other survivors. Sharing my own story in a book seemed like a good way to reach out to others and a strong final step in my recovery process. So I began writing down my memories in what would become An Angel in the Corner. The book was my way of saying that I am an abuse survivor and I am no longer afraid or ashamed of my past. It was my way of proving to myself that I am free.

那段灰暗的歲月已經過去了15年了，我所受到的傷害讓我更加渴望幫助那些和我有同樣遭遇的人。將我自己的故事講給大家聽可能是我幫助別人最好的方式，也是我這些年來心理康復最後一步。所以我將自己的遭遇寫成了書，希望我的文字能變成天使，保護那些無助的人。這本書也是我的一個宣言，我想說：我是一個暴力性侵的下的倖存者，我不再爲我的過去感到恥辱，我自由了。

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