生活物語:不是牛仔褲縮水了,而是我長胖了

IT is the Morning after a particularly drawn-out hotpot dinner when I make an uncomfortable discovery. My favorite jeans, my beloved, go-anywhere jeans, appear to have shrunk beyond all recognition.

那是一個特別漫長的火鍋宴之後的早上我有一個很不爽的發現。我最喜歡的牛仔褲，我深愛的、去哪都穿的牛仔褲，似乎已經緊縮得超出了我所有的認識。

"What on earth has happened to these jeans?" I think.

“這些牛仔褲究竟發生了什麼？”我在想。

My immediate instinct is to blame my ayi, or domestic helper. "Ayi shrank my favorite jeans!" I think accusingly. "The water must be too hot! I'll have to leave her a note."

我的第一本能就是責怪我的阿姨，或家政。“阿姨把我最喜歡的牛仔褲弄縮水了！”我責怪地想。“水一定太熱了！我以後不得不給她留一個紙條。”

Then I remember that my Chinese washing machine only uses cold water. "It must be toxins getting into the water supply and making my clothes shrink," I think crossly. "How annoying!"

然後我想起我的中國洗衣機只能使用冷水。“一定是毒素進入供水系統，使我的衣服縮水了，“我生氣地想。“多麼討厭！”

Later, a thorough test of my wardrobe reveals a more painful truth.

後來，我衣櫥的全面試用揭示了一個更令人痛苦的事實。

"It is not my jeans that have shrunk. It's me that has grown," I think grimly. "I wonder if it was the hotpot."

“這不是我的牛仔褲縮水了。這是我在長身體，”我酷酷地想。“我想知道是不是火鍋的作用。”

Primal fight for food

原始的食物爭奪

Everyone pretends to make conversation while secretly trying to get as much meat as they can, a kind of primal, caveman-like fight for food. It gets harder as your mouth turns numb from all the Sichuan chilies. Fortunately, I have had extensive practice at hotpot.

每個人都假裝在交談，但私下卻試圖獲得儘可能多的肉，一種原始的，穴居人那般的食物爭奪。隨着你的嘴因爲四川辣椒而變麻，爭奪會越來越難。幸運的是我在火鍋方面有豐富的實踐。

Shanghai is good for many things: dim-sum, Japanese food, all-day brunch. But it is less good for exercise.

上海有很多好吃的：點心、日本食物、全天的早午餐。但就鍛鍊來說不太好。

While in London I couldn't leave my house without falling over a jogger, here I have to contend with fried dumplings and the pancake stall before I even clear my building, dooming any attempt to run outside to instant failure.

在倫敦時如果我不迫不及待地慢跑我就不能離開我的屋子，這裏甚至在我清理完我的住處之前我不得不面對煎餃和煎餅攤，註定會讓任何跑出去的嘗試都立即失敗。

"I need a new sports regime," I think. "But what?"

“我需要一個新的體育規則，”我想。“但是什麼呢？”

Exercise in China strikes me as a peaceful, sociable activity. In the parks, old men practice tai chi for hours. Elderly couples dance ballroom-style in front of Carrefour. In the local stadium, businessmen in suits go round in circles in an intriguing kind of sport known as backward walking. Yet despite the seemingly gentle nature of Chinese exercise, almost no one is fat.

鍛鍊在中國給我的印象是一種平和的、社交性的活動。在公園，老人數小時練習太極拳。老年夫婦在家樂福門口像舞廳那樣跳舞。在當地的體育館，身穿西裝的商人原地打轉，這是一種有趣的稱爲向後走的體育運動。然而儘管貌似溫文爾雅的中國式運動，幾乎沒有一個是消耗脂肪的。

"They don't need Lycra and fancy gym memberships to stay fit," I think. "Sports marketing is all one big lie."

“他們不需要萊卡和花哨的健身房會員卡才能保持苗條，”我認爲。“體育營銷一直是一個大謊言。”

Before I know it, I am signing an 18-month contract to join an expensive American gym downtown. It is the longest thing I have ever committed to. The manager, a muscled Shanghainese guy called Benny, tells me I am making an excellent decision. "You won't regret this," Benny says emphatically. "Life in Shanghai is hectic. Good to work out."

在我知道它之前，我簽署了一項爲期18個月的合同，加入了市中心一家昂貴的美國健身房。這是我承諾的最長時間的東西。經理是叫Beny的一個肌肉發達的上海傢伙，告訴我我是在做一個出色的決策。“你不會後悔的，” Beny強調說。“上海的生活是忙碌的。鍛鍊是好的。”

Two weeks go by. I am just thinking I haven't been to my new gym yet when I get a call from Benny.

兩週過去了。當我接到Beny電話時我纔想起我還沒去過我的新體育館。

"Hi, it's Benny. We haven't seen you here yet," he says, with evident disappointment in his voice. "How about you come down for a workout?"

“嗨，我是Beny。我們在這裏還沒有看到你，”他說，他的聲音裏帶着明顯的失望。“你下來鍛鍊身體怎麼樣？”

I decide to try a cycling class. The instructor's name is Strong. As I look around the room, I notice several people checking their iPhones. One is holding a Starbucks cup.

我決定試一試騎自行車類。教練的名字叫強。當我環顧房間，我注意到有幾個人查看他們的iphone。一個拿着星巴克咖啡。

"This is going to be easy," I tell myself.

“這將是容易的，”我告訴自己。

Strong starts giving instructions in Mandarin. "I get to work out and improve my Chinese at the same time. This was a great decision!" I think as I cycle.

強開始用普通話發號指令。“我可以鍛鍊，同時也提高我的中文。這是一個偉大的決定！”我在騎車時想着。

After 10 minutes it feels as though my legs are being hacked apart with a chainsaw and I am struggling to breathe. I look around. None of my classmates appears to be suffering. One is sending a text message.

10分鐘後感覺好像我的腿被劈開肢解般，我難以呼吸。環顧四周。我課堂裏的人沒有一個似乎是痛苦的。有個人還在發送短信。

I notice Strong saying something to me in Chinese, but I am unable to understand through the pain. Exasperated, he comes over and starts shouting at me in English. "Move more your legs!" he barks. "Straight up your back!"

我注意到強在對我說一些漢語，但我忍受着痛苦無法理解。惱怒，他過來開始用英語對我大喊大叫。“多運動你的腿!“他大叫。“直起你的背！”

I feel my face growing red. People turn round to look at me in sympathy. "Maybe next time I'll just try tai chi," I mutter to myself.

我覺得我的臉越來越紅。人們轉過身同情地看着我。“也許下次我該試試太極，”我喃喃自語。